SNEAK PEEK: Goose Monologues & Other Mediocre Works

As a sneak peek, here's the introduction of my upcoming book Goose Monologues & Other Mediocre Works, coming out in 2018.

Hello.

I’m Lizz Matthews.

Listen, I know it’s a bit strange to have somewhat of an “About The Author” at the beginning of the book and not the end, but I just wanted to welcome you to “Goose Monologues” - which is my shortened name for it that I use in conversation to make it a bit more convenient. Yes, I bring up my book in conversation because I, to many others, am a selfish little fuck.

I’m sorry if my cursing offends you, if it does, I suggest you get a refund on this book as soon as possible. That is because Goose Monologues is unlike any other books I’ve written, and while that seems like something I’m saying just to hype it up a bit, it’s not, I promise you. I see myself as a pretty depressing person. Yes, a depressing person. Even though my therapist tells me not to define myself as “depression”. I am not defining myself as “depression”, but rather saying that I am a person that just so happens to have depressing qualities.

This book is different than my others because it is personal. My other books are also personal because they are mainly all on the subject of my mental health, but this one is more personal. It is not like I’m writing a book about myself, because there’s a ton of fiction in this anthology, so it’s not an autobiography, but it is more about the real me than the me you see through depressing shit I wrote to cope.

It is called a poetry anthology mainly because it sounded better than “Writing Anthology”. So, spoiler, there’s not that many poems in here. But there are a ton of “Other Mediocre Works”. The title was kind of inspired by a book I really loved as a child, called The Stinky Cheese Man and Other Fairly Stupid Tales. I loved its humor and interesting art style. I try to be funny and it usually backfires, so I decided to write a book where I tried to be funny and then afterwards, publish it and watch it backfire.

But why did I decide to publish a book simply to watch it backfire? Good question, person-who-obviously-didn’t-ask-me-that-question. It’s because I am Lizz Matthews and (along with writing depressing poems) it’s kinda my thing.

At the moment of writing this, I am 17 years old and sitting in silence at 1:20 AM writing a book called Goose Monologues & Other Mediocre Works: The Lizz Matthews Poetry Anthology, which isn’t even a poetry anthology. It is basically just my favorite poems from my previous 2 books, some old blog posts, personal writing, nightmares and dreams I’ve had, and shitty stuff I wrote for school. Seriously, when people are surprised I have books published, I feel like such a poser. Anyone could put a bunch of stuff they’ve written down into a document and self-publish it for free. I’m not a writer, I just decided to embarrass myself in a Barnes and Noble, but instead of doing a flash-mob, you can find my smug little face hiding amongst actual authors.

The book cover is a representation of how other people see me. The whole, “don’t judge a book by its cover” thing, because the inside of the book is the real me. Like I said, I try to be funny but it backfires, much like this stupid cover I thought of in a sixth-period Spanish 2 class after a test. I wrote a monologue that I called “Geese” in 9th grade when I lost my train of thought in Theater class. At that point in my life, I hadn’t been diagnosed with ADHD, but yeah, I had it. So that’s why I have a goose balloon. My attempt at being funny, or even fun for that matter, is represented by the party hat and party-blow-thing. People always think I’m either a bitch or depressed, so that explains my face in the photo, and I’m wearing a shirt that says “I WROTE A BOOK” because that’s what I do, apparently. Shameless self-promotion for money and fame.

Really I just publish my work so it doesn’t just sit around my house, cluttering my room. Also for another reason that I saw online. It was a Tumblr post that said that artists stare at their work until they hate it. That screenshot circled around Facebook, and I was like “hey, that sounds familiar.” That is what I did with my writing. I put it into the world before I could decide to trash it. I published it because for some reason I thought it was good enough someone would want to steal it, but I wanted people to know that it came from my little ginger head. That’s why I skipped reading the whole self-publishing conditions thing halfway through and said “as long as people know that it’s mine.”

Anyways. This book is basically just going to be me saying stupid shit, so you should probably get used to it. Prepare to undergo embarrassment on my part and to ask yourself: “why the hell would someone publish this?”

Because I’m Lizz Matthews, that’s why.

What is a Blackout?

When I blackout I do not lose consciousness, it is not passing out, it is blacking out. When I black out I am fully aware that I am blacking out or have blacked out already. My blackouts have lasted from 2 minutes to about an hour and not every time am I completely weak. Whenever I black out sometimes I can only lay there and mumble, other times, like the first time I blacked out, I feel as though my body is overtaken by another force. I am not controlling what my body does, it just does.
The first time I blacked out I tried to smash my head between two tables. It was not me, it was something in my head that compelled me to do so. That has only happened once. During that blackout, I was not able to control my body. Near the end of the blackout I was able to regain control of my hand and use sign language. Usually, I begin to regain control of my limbs before anything else during a blackout. I feel pressure on my head during a blackout, like imagine your body is just skin and on the inside it’s just smoke or fog, it’s light and limp. That is how my body feels when I black out. My head feels that way also, like it is foggy, but also that there is a weight in the top portion of my skull that is very difficult to keep upright.
When I blackout, I turn to deadweight and operate much like a doll, where my limbs do not move, you have to move them for me. During a blackout, I can hear 100%. I feel like my feeling senses are completely dulled, as well as taste, smell, and sight. This makes my hearing senses feel a bit heightened, and it sucks to be able to hear everything around you and not do anything about it. To hear everyone talking about you or asking if you’re okay but you can’t do anything about it. To have someone carry you across the whole school but you aren’t able to say thank you. I don’t see flashbacks when I blackout, I don’t see anything.
Sometimes I imagine a storyline as to why I’ve blacked out or I try to make sense of things. Sometimes I try to imagine whatever is compelling me to blackout as a person or being to better understand what’s going on and to make blackouts easier to explain to people. Whenever I awake from the blackout though, most of those thoughts disappear. I have to write them down immediately like a dream or tell someone like Dorothy when she wakes up. That is how I create explanations of the blackouts in my work, such as how I created the character of depression and explained it as a supervillain who uses a black, tar-like ink.
Before a blackout, I begin to lose sight. Things get blurrier and blurrier until I cannot see. A lot of times I will have my eyes closed, since my muscles aren’t working and I don’t really have the ability to blink. My arms lose ability and control first, usually hitting the floor. Then my neck loses control, then my back, my hips, my legs, my feet, then finally, my head. A lot of pressure usually hits my shoulders as they slowly lose control over my arms. I feel like then, the disorders can overtake my body and roam free all they want.