A Year Ago Today...

JANUARY 26th, 2019

A year ago today I was in bed, finally over the flu I had had for a week beforehand. I was depressed,

confused, and alone. I felt shut away by my peers, my partner, and the world. Things hadn’t been good

in a long time. I wasn’t happy. Until about a week before that. I was told that Austin, a person I’d been

pressured into straying away from about six months prior, had posted about my book on his tumblr

after he heard it was released. I had strayed away from Austin because I had fallen in love with him,

and he had with me, but we couldn’t do anything about it. The post talked about how amazing he

thought I was. How no matter what we went through, I still meant a lot to him, and was still his best

friend. I signed a copy of my book (with a little heart) and gave it to a friend of mine to give to him.

After I realized my flu symptoms had vanished, and my cabin fever was at an all-time high, I reached

out to Dan. A mutual friend of Austin and I, who out of respect hadn’t mentioned him to me since we

stopped talking. He told me I was free to come over, but that Austin was there. I told him it was fine,

and I was still coming over. Austin offered to stay in a different room so that I wouldn’t have to see him,

and Dan relayed this to me. I told him that it was okay, that he didn’t have to hide, and I came over.

It was very awkward at first. I sat in the floor while he played guitar and talked to everyone else that

was there. I just started pulling things out of my new purse like it was a very strange, adult

show-and-tell. I acknowledged his hair looking very different and his hat, as well as how many more

stickers his guitar had acquired since I’d last seen him. At one point out of sheer awkwardness and

word vomit I declared I wanted to go on a walk. It was about 1:30 AM, and 26 degrees fahrenheit.

But we walked to the nearest Sheetz.

Austin did not have a jacket. This became very clear as he was shaking and shivering violently. Dan

offered him his. I did as well, and Austin started running away from the kind gesture. Literally running

away. We chased him, and both tackled him into a weird three-person double-jacket hug. It feels very

cliche and gross to say that even just touching him again felt comforting, and it felt right.

We eventually arrived at Sheetz, where everyone went off into different directions. I couldn’t feel my

hands from the cold, and I wanted a hot chocolate. I read the signs on the machine, saying that the

water could be boiling, and it could splash on you. I was terrified. I took a second to look over at the

most fearless person I’d ever met, who was somehow at the refrigerators. I sighed, and walked over to

him, my small styrofoam cup in hand.

“Can you fix my hot chocolate for me?” I asked him. He looked at the cup, back up at my face, laughed,

and said

“Sure.”

He then walked me over to the machine where he promptly fixed it, found me a lid, placed it on and

said “There you go.”

He walked away, I went to pay for my drink, and he grabbed an Arizona Iced Tea. We all (me, Austin,

Dan, and his sister Moriah) regrouped at the tables. I sat across from Austin, beside Dan, and

diagonally from Moriah. They all started a regular conversation, and at one point, I found a way to

pester Austin about the thing I’d been convinced had torn us apart, a small misunderstanding that I had

joked was a lie on his part. This passive-aggressive banter between the both of us carried on for about

ten minutes. Just like the old times. The flirtatious pestering was interrupted by my best friend, and

mutual friend of Austin and I, Brennan- showing up and being very confused as to why Austin and I

were in the same vicinity. Things felt fun, and real, and happy again. I even bought him a water after he
ran to the bathroom, not being able to breathe from running so much.

Discussing how we’d all get back to Dan’s house, it was quickly realized we could not all fit in Brennan’s

car. Someone jokingly mentioned that Austin and I could take a walk to talk things out. I liked the idea.

So everyone gave us their coats, and Austin and I began walking.

It was silent for a bit, other than me asking if I could hold the flashlight because of my paranoia. I was

the one to start the conversation, saying:

“So… yeah. I’m still in love with you”

And him telling me the feeling was mutual.

We talked about how we were both seeing people still, but that it would be okay, and we could be

friends until we both figured our feelings out. He told me he still thought about me every day. I told him

that I forced myself to forget about him, and how hard that was. I broke down on that walk. I knew how

happy Austin made me and how despite my feelings, people were always very judgmental. Because

my relationship at the time seemed perfect to everyone around me.

That night I wrote a long letter to my partner at the time telling him I had reconnected with Austin, and

that I didn’t think anything romantic would come from it, but that was just because I was afraid of things

changing. They had been the same for three years. I didn’t have anything against my partner at the

time, and I have nothing against him as my ex. But I had fallen out of love with him a long time before

then… I knew I was with him for one reason still. Only one reason. And a few days before Christmas

he made it evident that reason was gone. He had made a promise to me, and he broke it. I had a

mental breakdown at my 18th birthday party in the parking lot of a gay nightclub because I was scared.

Things had changed, and I had to face the fact I wasn’t in love with who I was with. That is when I

decided to end it, but I held off until I was ready. On January 26th, I reconnected with the person I was

in love with, and my partner knew that I was in love with, and I apologized. But I shouldn’t have.

I had been so unhappy. And things just didn’t feel right. I was me, and I was living my life, but things

didn’t feel right.

I blamed it on my parents’ separation. How I’d had to stay at a different house for a week under

constant supervision for my safety and wellbeing. I blamed my unhappiness on that. And that was

partially it, but things hadn’t felt right in a long time. Since I’d had to forget about Austin.

And on January 26th, 2018, touching my jacket to the back of someone I had wanted so desperately to

forget felt like a puzzle piece clicking into place.

It wasn’t the last one, and it was nowhere near close to being done, but it felt like it made me more me

than I was before. Like I was safe, and this was right.

My parents’ separation also taught me that what I thought was love, was not love at all. And that I

wasn’t in love with who I was with. I didn’t know.

I went back to messaging Austin nonstop that night. How it had been the first time we met, the first time

we reconnected after being pushed apart, and now the time we had reconnected for good. I didn’t know

what was going to happen. I didn’t know if I’d ever have the courage to tell everyone that I didn’t care

what they thought, I just wanted to be happy. But I didn’t think about it. I let myself be happy in the

moment. And forget about everything. I let Austin tell me that he didn’t care whether we never ended up

together, but he just wanted me to be happy, and that the whole time we weren’t talking he just wanted

me to be happy. Whatever I was doing.

Things have never, ever been easy for Austin and I. Our lives have fucked us over and we never

seemed to find the right time to be together. But reconnecting with him a year ago today made me feel

the strength of what real, honest love is and can be. Wanting someone to be happy no matter what it

takes. And I’m so fucking glad I went to Dan’s house that day. I’m so glad Austin made that post about

me. I’m so glad I walked with him. I’m so glad I told him I loved him, and he told me back. I’m glad he

knew what that little heart meant even though the guys said he was crazy. I’m glad I did what made me

happy. I’m glad I was given the chance, and the ability, and the time, and the life to love another human

being and to be loved. I’m so fucking glad for today.

Lizz Matthews