Some of the worst intrusive thoughts that I usually forget about are the factual ones. The rational ones.
Not the hallucinations or the irrational scenarios that are based in nothing and make no sense. Not the
humanoid creatures that talk to me and call my name. Not the irrational fears of my relationships
crumbling. But the fear of the inevitable.
Not the hallucinations or the irrational scenarios that are based in nothing and make no sense. Not the
humanoid creatures that talk to me and call my name. Not the irrational fears of my relationships
crumbling. But the fear of the inevitable.
This fear of the inevitable consuming me was much of the reason I had ever considered taking my own
life, and is still the only reason the thought ever crosses my mind anymore. The only reason I picture
Sylvia Plath placing that towel in front of her child’s door and hear Radiohead playing as I stare into the
nothingness this situation would send me into.
life, and is still the only reason the thought ever crosses my mind anymore. The only reason I picture
Sylvia Plath placing that towel in front of her child’s door and hear Radiohead playing as I stare into the
nothingness this situation would send me into.
The inevitable. Everything I love, will die.
My cat holds a large majority of my heart. Addison has been my life raft in the rapids I’ve lived in my
entire life. I got her at about 10. The same age I remember realizing something was wrong after having
an intrusive thoughts downward spiral in Disney World on my birthday. I didn’t know what it was, but at
all times I felt like I was drowning in what I now call scenario-oriented intrusive thoughts. Believing I
had been poisoned, that a shooting was going to occur, etc. Back then, Addi didn’t like me, and for a
long time I felt disconnected from her, and her sister Patch was my cat. But as Patch began distancing
herself from the family, knowing she was going to pass, Addi and I became connected and she
became my baby. She began wiping my tears with her fluffy face when I cried, pushing herself in
between me and whatever I was using to cut, and grabbing my attention when I suffered flashbacks
from my trauma. She was not trained, she was not taught, she just knew. She and I were spiritually
bonded. We still are. Sometimes I feel as though I feel her pain and she feels mine. I am an empath,
and absorbing other peoples’ struggles and pain in order for them to feel better when I am already
struggling is not good for me. But I do it anyway. And then Addi, my adorable baby, puts her paw on
my hand, rubs her face on mine, and takes my pain away.
entire life. I got her at about 10. The same age I remember realizing something was wrong after having
an intrusive thoughts downward spiral in Disney World on my birthday. I didn’t know what it was, but at
all times I felt like I was drowning in what I now call scenario-oriented intrusive thoughts. Believing I
had been poisoned, that a shooting was going to occur, etc. Back then, Addi didn’t like me, and for a
long time I felt disconnected from her, and her sister Patch was my cat. But as Patch began distancing
herself from the family, knowing she was going to pass, Addi and I became connected and she
became my baby. She began wiping my tears with her fluffy face when I cried, pushing herself in
between me and whatever I was using to cut, and grabbing my attention when I suffered flashbacks
from my trauma. She was not trained, she was not taught, she just knew. She and I were spiritually
bonded. We still are. Sometimes I feel as though I feel her pain and she feels mine. I am an empath,
and absorbing other peoples’ struggles and pain in order for them to feel better when I am already
struggling is not good for me. But I do it anyway. And then Addi, my adorable baby, puts her paw on
my hand, rubs her face on mine, and takes my pain away.
One day, Addi is going to die.
I am so scared. I know that after she dies I will adopt another cat. I strongly believe that every cat
deserves a better life than they already have, and when I am capable of supporting another cat and
giving it a better life, I will do so. Therefore, when Addi passes, I will continue the same routine with
another baby. But I don’t know if anyone or anything else can love me as much as Addi does. If I can
love anything else as much as I love her. She is my child, and an extension of me. She has saved my
life. There have been numerous times when I’d considered taking my life, and stopped because I knew
she wouldn’t understand. That she’d be sad, and lonely. But when she dies, I will feel that pain.
deserves a better life than they already have, and when I am capable of supporting another cat and
giving it a better life, I will do so. Therefore, when Addi passes, I will continue the same routine with
another baby. But I don’t know if anyone or anything else can love me as much as Addi does. If I can
love anything else as much as I love her. She is my child, and an extension of me. She has saved my
life. There have been numerous times when I’d considered taking my life, and stopped because I knew
she wouldn’t understand. That she’d be sad, and lonely. But when she dies, I will feel that pain.
One day, my parents will die. My brother will die. My partner will die.
I do not know if I could possibly go on after that.
I do fear that if I were to take my own life at any point it would begin a domino effect. If not suicide, then
tremendous depression, as everyone in my family both suffers from mental illness and is very
connected to and dependent upon one another. I may not ever write about my fears about these
potential losses. They are too hard to process, and I have been told not to process them until they
happen. It is not worth mourning someone whom you have not lost. The heartache is too great. And
with my psychosis, if I become too caught up in the scenario of me losing someone, I will believe it. At
one point last year, my mother went to get something from a store 5 minutes away. 2 hours later, I
realized she had not come home. I had not heard from her. I started picturing scenario-oriented
intrusive thoughts of police at my door, informing me that my mother would not be returning home. I
called her. No answer. I called her again and again for too long to recall, screaming and crying.
Pacing. Falling to the floor clutching my chest, sure I was having a heart attack. My brother was telling
me to calm down and I just kept telling him she was dead, because I was certain she was. I was
having larger reactions than news that people I loved had actually died, and it was all in my head. My
mother walked in the door and held me and calmed me down, telling me she’d just decided to go grab
a friend, who was also with her witnessing me, heart rate slowing as I felt like I was going to pass out.
I still see these police officers in my head. I still hear my screams. And that has remained with me for
every intrusive thought that I’ve had in 20 years. The more I try to recall, the more hallucinations I
remember from my childhood, getting younger and younger. And I can still see them all as clear in my
head as I did then. I can hear my reactions from many of them. Just as I can feel on my body my
trauma, my rape. I have no idea why these sensory attacks have all stuck with me.
tremendous depression, as everyone in my family both suffers from mental illness and is very
connected to and dependent upon one another. I may not ever write about my fears about these
potential losses. They are too hard to process, and I have been told not to process them until they
happen. It is not worth mourning someone whom you have not lost. The heartache is too great. And
with my psychosis, if I become too caught up in the scenario of me losing someone, I will believe it. At
one point last year, my mother went to get something from a store 5 minutes away. 2 hours later, I
realized she had not come home. I had not heard from her. I started picturing scenario-oriented
intrusive thoughts of police at my door, informing me that my mother would not be returning home. I
called her. No answer. I called her again and again for too long to recall, screaming and crying.
Pacing. Falling to the floor clutching my chest, sure I was having a heart attack. My brother was telling
me to calm down and I just kept telling him she was dead, because I was certain she was. I was
having larger reactions than news that people I loved had actually died, and it was all in my head. My
mother walked in the door and held me and calmed me down, telling me she’d just decided to go grab
a friend, who was also with her witnessing me, heart rate slowing as I felt like I was going to pass out.
I still see these police officers in my head. I still hear my screams. And that has remained with me for
every intrusive thought that I’ve had in 20 years. The more I try to recall, the more hallucinations I
remember from my childhood, getting younger and younger. And I can still see them all as clear in my
head as I did then. I can hear my reactions from many of them. Just as I can feel on my body my
trauma, my rape. I have no idea why these sensory attacks have all stuck with me.
I am so scared. How much more hell do I have to endure? How many times in my life will I lose my cat,
my mother, my father, my brother, my partner? How many times will I mourn these people I love? How
many times will I have to watch them die? Speak to the people that found them? My mind is a prison
of all of my worst nightmares and I am being convinced of their full, unbridled, certainty. And whilst with
the sight of humanoid creatures- whether they be speaking to me, hanging from trees, pinning me
down and eating my flesh while I watch with live eyes- may still connect in my brain as being just an
illusion, these factual, rational scenario-oriented intrusive thoughts are so convincing. So convincing
they tear me apart, and I fear that my fears of others dying will be the death of me.
my mother, my father, my brother, my partner? How many times will I mourn these people I love? How
many times will I have to watch them die? Speak to the people that found them? My mind is a prison
of all of my worst nightmares and I am being convinced of their full, unbridled, certainty. And whilst with
the sight of humanoid creatures- whether they be speaking to me, hanging from trees, pinning me
down and eating my flesh while I watch with live eyes- may still connect in my brain as being just an
illusion, these factual, rational scenario-oriented intrusive thoughts are so convincing. So convincing
they tear me apart, and I fear that my fears of others dying will be the death of me.
