The first time I blacked out I tried to smash my head between two tables. It was not me, it was something in my head that compelled me to do so. That has only happened once. During that blackout, I was not able to control my body. Near the end of the blackout I was able to regain control of my hand and use sign language. Usually, I begin to regain control of my limbs before anything else during a blackout. I feel pressure on my head during a blackout, like imagine your body is just skin and on the inside it’s just smoke or fog, it’s light and limp. That is how my body feels when I black out. My head feels that way also, like it is foggy, but also that there is a weight in the top portion of my skull that is very difficult to keep upright.
When I blackout, I turn to deadweight and operate much like a doll, where my limbs do not move, you have to move them for me. During a blackout, I can hear 100%. I feel like my feeling senses are completely dulled, as well as taste, smell, and sight. This makes my hearing senses feel a bit heightened, and it sucks to be able to hear everything around you and not do anything about it. To hear everyone talking about you or asking if you’re okay but you can’t do anything about it. To have someone carry you across the whole school but you aren’t able to say thank you. I don’t see flashbacks when I blackout, I don’t see anything.
Sometimes I imagine a storyline as to why I’ve blacked out or I try to make sense of things. Sometimes I try to imagine whatever is compelling me to blackout as a person or being to better understand what’s going on and to make blackouts easier to explain to people. Whenever I awake from the blackout though, most of those thoughts disappear. I have to write them down immediately like a dream or tell someone like Dorothy when she wakes up. That is how I create explanations of the blackouts in my work, such as how I created the character of depression and explained it as a supervillain who uses a black, tar-like ink.
Before a blackout, I begin to lose sight. Things get blurrier and blurrier until I cannot see. A lot of times I will have my eyes closed, since my muscles aren’t working and I don’t really have the ability to blink. My arms lose ability and control first, usually hitting the floor. Then my neck loses control, then my back, my hips, my legs, my feet, then finally, my head. A lot of pressure usually hits my shoulders as they slowly lose control over my arms. I feel like then, the disorders can overtake my body and roam free all they want.
